A Brief Tale of Self-Loathing

Look at you, with your fat belly overhanging, with your muffin top testament to your pathetic ill-discipline. Your face, without angle or line, a wasteful ball of dough with thumb-hole eyes, forlorn at what they see in the mirror, and resignedly accepting you’re the architect of this. This. This! I point now at your stomach, face, dismissively, eyes flashing about with disgust. And in yourself, maybe you don’t care so much. You’ve sauntered in and out of this state with equal vigour from late teens. But your partner does care. Not in a nice way. Not in a supportive, hey let’s get you moving, make you a bit healthier, sorta way. No. Feelings of disgust are transmitted and received. A palpable lack of desire, of affection, non-malicious comments about belly size and its effect on intimacy, one piece of the jigsaw. Where do the feelings emanate from? Me to me, her to me, or her to her to some degree?

I think the lack of malice is the worst bit. If there’s nothing gained by saying it, no spite, it must be true, right? I’ve lost it all before; I can not eat refined sugar for months on end; I can cut a stone in two weeks easily and keep it off with discipline. That will make a difference, though I’m maybe 4 stone away from a weight at which I’d respect myself more. It is less the physicality and more what I know I’ve done to get it; I’m ashamed of myself.

Imagine I cut, again. What will be the gain, where can I find permanence in it so as to not be here again in six months’ time, this pit of self-loathing and confusion? Wanting but never feeling I have what I want, and, as is the case in all places with an abundance of food, attempting to satiate wants by ploughing egregious amounts into my literal cakehole.

Over recent months, I’ve become peculiarly envious of countries such as Mexico and Colombia, which (so I read) have just enough food for everyone. Here in the UK, terrible foods are the cheapest. Introduce a sugar tax! That’s for another day, today is about taking responsibility for my part in this malaise. For without my being a player, there can’t be a game.

So runs the conversation in my head, as the battle between logical and emotional parts of my brain rages on. The bloodshed is severe but you have to look deep into a person’s eyes to see it. It is an ongoing dialogue that’s beginning to cut to the core of who I am and what I’m about. I mean, we are what we do, right? How could we ever be otherwise?

Advertisements

Selecting Those 1% Reads

I haven’t written in months. I would classify myself as someone who writes, as opposed to a writer. The former brings possibility, the latter pressure and expectation. I need to feel to write. Today, I feel.

I’ve read many books down the years. I intensely disliked reading as a child, yet was handed the opportunity to address that at university, when, for the first time in my life, I could not get around reading the assigned book, Jacqueline Wilson’s The Suitcase Kid. Whilst aimed at people younger than I was, it was most enjoyable, and over the years, cemented its place as the spark that ignited a bonfire. The fire continues to burn, and, having read a mind-changing piece minutes ago, it motivates me to share a few titles with you, titles which represent that one-percent, crème de la crème to me.

Each has changed the way I see the world. I’d love to know how you felt about these if you have read them, now, or later, or which books impacted you so. Book talk multiplies the enjoyment of reading exponentially.

Stuffocation – James Wallman

Perhaps the best title ever given and a word that should surely adorn the pages of our dictionaries for time to come. Wallman argues that too much stuff is the greatest problem the Western world faces, that it’s killing us. Dramatic? Possibly. But it led me to minimalism as I found myself identifying with the problems of having too many things, a problem I naively felt was unique to myself, yet formed part of the reason I entered therapy some time ago, and spent my early adult years unhappily married yet hopelessly trapped. Wallman has a couple of talks on YouTube, and a slightly awkward manner of delivery. I urge you to check them out, especially if you’re at the beginning of the minimalism journey, or, even better, yet to discover it.

Sapiens – Yuval Noah Harari

Harari’s brief history of humankind presents thoughtful considerations on why Homo sapiens have developed as we have, with particular reference to behaviour. Today’s reading discusses the development of religion, and how Communism and capitalism fall squarely within its confines. Time and again, he has illuminated my thinking, and I love nothing more than a person that challenges the way I think about things.

The Things We Are Prepared To Walk Away From – Joshua Fields Millburn

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theminimalists.com/walk-away/amp/

In this short essay, Fields Millburn cuts to the heart of how I interpret minimalism, providing a parallel context away from the abstention of unnecessary material pursuit. Here, he discusses the need for ongoing love for the people we spend time with, and that only with that love can both parties attain fulfilment. Thought-provoking, borderline radical in parts, I challenge you to read this with passivity. I couldn’t, and, many reads later, cannot today.

The Damned United – David Peace

The controversial fictionalisation of football (soccer) manager, Brian Clough, covering his early career and dovetailing this narrative with that of his ill-fated forty-four days as manager of then-giant Leeds United. In Peace’s version, he brings to life the legend of Clough, with his greatness and especially his weaknesses. I have many, many weaknesses, and tend to respect, if not quite revere, those who know what it is like to struggle with things too. The character is portrayed so strongly that you can begin to predict what he’ll say or do next. A fabulous text for anyone who understands why we don’t always do what appears so obvious to everyone else, for anyone who understands what it is to be driven by fear. For anyone who understands what it is to spend so much time watching the bottom line that ascension to the levels above appears as mythological as Heaven to an atheist.

What Has Happened to the Working Class of Britain?

The working class, once the backbone of Great Britain, has increasingly become the object of ridicule from both the media and great swathes of the population at large. Few would be so socially bankrupt as to outright lambast perceived lifestyles and attitudes of the poorer members of society when referring to them as the working class, which is one of the reasons terms such as ‘chav’ and ‘hoodie’ exist. Pejorative from the outset, they provide a backdrop against which all manner of ill accusations may be made, regarding standards of education and living, the things money is spent on and particularly how it is obtained, and even speculated promiscuity.  

Borrowing from Martin Luther King’s rhetoric, we have to ask ourselves why we have millions cast in the stereotyped roles of Shameless. As King suggested, so to do raises questions of our capitalistic system, but also, which King didn’t suggest, an analysis of the current opportunities available to the working class, and whether or not they are being maximised. 
Pre-Thatcher, British industry provided breadwinner jobs for millions of British men (and less often, women). Over time, as outsourcing of manufacture became first possible and later inevitable, and the government found itself pouring subsidies into British industry to safeguard the jobs. Ultimately, the cost of this became unpalatable to Thatcher, who sought to accelerate the transition towards a greater-proportioned service economy. Over the course of her first five years in power, Thatcher made great strides in her war and millions found themselves unemployed, and, which is perhaps worse, without positions with parity of pay to walk into. A worker earning enough from his specialist manufacturing role to support a mortgage and family will not do the same from the lower-level service jobs available, such as waitressing or retail work. 
Thirty years on, Thatcher is seen by many as the destroyer of communities as far apart as South Wales and County Durham, with all of the mining communities in between, having not only killed work in her time but offered no future, because the work was never replaced. 
In a free market economy, private business owners can provide employment and benefit from it by turning workers into customers. Lower socioeconomic classes are shown more than any other class to spend almost every penny they earn. Hence by employing these workers and having them and their families become customers, businesses can grow, workers get richer as the demand creates more work, and the economy at large expands. The difficulty is it takes a leap of faith on the part of employers to make this a reality. 
In Owen Jones’ ‘Chavs,’ he lambasts the Thatcherite period and highlights the advantages that middle class children enjoy over their working class peers that enable them to excel at school and take the best positions in the workplace. One such advantage is that mothers may be able to afford to stay at home in a middle class family, and can teach their children to read, for example. The same opportunity is afforded to the unemployed, yet this goes without mention. 
Further to this, having taught for over a decade, it is clear to me that children who work hard on their basic skills of literacy and numeracy, coupled with an interest in reading that requires fostering over time, can excel. The vast majority can attend university, graduate with a degree befitting their effort levels and gain employment the same. If the goal is to earn more money, though it is not the only route, graduates earn more on average and so university is a good place to begin a career. For many professions, where respectable pay is granted upon entry, teaching being one, a disadvantaged background need not provide a ceiling to the future. Jobs eliminated thirty years ago, creating deprivation in a community, need not limit the aspirations of its children today. When we see documentaries on terrestrial television suggest communities are akin to Beirut in places, hopelessly cut off, I do not accept this. People wishing to climb rungs on the socioeconomic ladder have the means so to do through their course of education as children. As parents, we have a responsibility to ensure are children are given every opportunity to succeed in that endeavour. That takes time, patience and a great deal of encouragement. 
For fifty years or more, whatabout arguments have avoided the need for introspection. Each party, when accused of taking away opportunities and cutting communities off (government) or being idle and an underclass (benefit claimants, if you read the comments in the Daily Mail, at any rate), responds with a what about you, yes but look at what you are doing response. Perhaps the truth is neither quite does all it can, and when it does, the rising tide will lift all ships, the inequality gap will narrow, bringing greater prosperity to all. 

Why?

Why do we have 1 in 20 unemployed in the UK, vast swathes reliant on meagre benefits to survive and unprecedented inequality, with all the problems that entails?
When you posit the question that way, a considered answer requires an examination of our education system, of why minimum wage is below subsistence level for many, and of why we have a system of governance designed to protect the rich rather than enhance living standards for all.

The Faulty Pressure Valve: A case for minimalism in primary (elementary) education

For a decade, I taught in a high-pressured primary school. These are two terms that should never mix yet do, without question now. Learners aged 7-11 were for the most part industrial machines under phenomenal pressure to demonstrate progress at every opportunity. For a while, 10-minutely progress was the standard to reach, and doing so quietly was unacceptable. No, our learners had to be able to stage a learning dialogue at the click of a finger, should a visitor have walked through the classroom. Indeed, any learning – any thinking – stopped such that we may manufacture a brief discussion (known as a mini-plenary) for the benefit of the new person in the room. We had to put on a show.

I hold my hands up for this one. I was a major part of the problem. At least, I became one. It wasn’t always like that. Owing to my rather eccentric character, my lessons earlier in my career usually carried a great deal of enthusiasm, and accompanying noise. My happiest memories were Design and Technology days when we’d plan and then get busy making things, and I’d set up camp somewhere and help the children as they needed it. Oh boy, did they need it! Time flew, everyone was demonically engaged, and everybody learnt, be it from success or failure. 
One day, my headteacher walked through and praised me for how quietly the pupils were learning. How odd, I thought: we were doing a test. Then I realised – she didn’t know that. I was never a poor performer, but not often given praise either, and that day was an eye opener for me as I saw the route to success and perhaps the promotion I’d coveted. 
Weeks later, I was told I was to be teaching the eldest pupils next year, those under the most pressure as they would sit the dreaded standard assessment tests (SATs). The head of this year group was famous for his iron discipline and silent pupils, even during traditionally less-pressured lessons, such as Art. These two factors, the praise and the anticipated move, brought about a change in me that would characterise the second half of my career. 
Immediately, I put the children into rows and introduced a rule of no talking within lessons; we would work independently. I didn’t believe it would work; surely they would talk more and more until we reached a happy compromise of relative quietness. 
No. They worked silently. I had sensible rules that allowed for necessary interruptions, such as needing a pencil sharpener, without allowing for general chatter flowing from it. Over the days and weeks, more praise began to pour in, from teaching assistants to fellow teachers. Occasionally, my the team leader popped his head in to see if we were actually still in the room. The transition to SATs year was butter smooth; later came the promotion that seemed inevitable. Then my health failed. Were it not for this; I’d likely have continued down this path and never encountered this minimalist journey I treasure. I knew it didn’t make me happy, but it worked. 
Whilst the silence benefitted some (a pupil wrote how the classroom was the one place he felt safe, because it was always calm), it added enormous pressure. Pressure on me to maintain it, pressure on them to operate within the new constraints. At this point, the pressure, though tangible was somewhat aimless. Though children would concentrate better with less distractions, powerful peer-led learning was largely lost, with organic learning dialogue nearing none. 
During SATs year, pressure intensified. I quickly learned what it was that children really needed to know to attain (or surpass) the required grade. A complex sentence involves a comma to mark clauses. Open it with an adverb, writing in paragraphs, with a range of simple punctuation marks, and this would be ample. I stress, this would have been well beyond the reach of my particular learners at the beginning of the year: progress was substantial. It was achieved by drilling them. Day in, day out, the same things were said, over and over and over again until they could produce the work independently, and correctly. I have an obsessive personality, I have a hard time switching off and using moderation. This added to the problem, as to me, there was never a moment in that classroom where their performance wasn’t of critical importance. All the while, the praise continued – this was the formula for professional success. 
I vividly remember an incident in my last year of teaching. J, seven years old, was drafting on a whiteboard and included a comma to mark clauses (as he’d been drilled to). J was the first in the class to manage it; an avalanche of success awaited. My excitement was beyond belief, and frankly bizarre. Now came the time to transfer this into his Literacy book, so I could show the world that he could do this. It became a common theme. Just being able to do it wasn’t good enough, you have to show it, at every opportunity. Dancing bears come to mind. I waited anxiously over his shoulder as he engaged in the common practice of copy the board into his book (learning what, exactly? Where is his 10-minutely progress in this?), desperate to ensure the comma was there. It would be the first step in proving his progress and education at this point had become a series of precise technical attributes to prove the existence of, somewhat similar to the 118-point safety check on vehicles. He included it. Excitement bordered on delirium; J had managed it. 
Children need to know how to develop their writing, and commas for clauses is a necessary facet – but the pressure never was. It came from a place of fear, emanating from high governmental office and cascading onto the unhappy masses of professionals and learners below. 
That comma was the only thing that mattered in his work that day. I have no idea what he wrote about, yet I can recall the incident so clearly, such was my focus on that comma. I was not a lone wolf in this draconian approach – it was mandatory that we included punctuation at the top of the page to tick off. It was clear what was valued, and there isn’t time for everything in a fast-paced, high-pressured environment. Robotic progress was costly. 
No longer would writing be fun, even for those that loved it. It was reduced to a series of hurdles that must be overcome. Children choosing the direction of their writing was a thing of the past owing to the tight control. How many could have been inspired by a Dead-Poets-Society-style exploration of the depth, significance and meaning of texts, rather than the surface deep, impassive analysis they were subjected to? It was more akin to a laboratory chemist analysing ingredients in a substance. 
The rules should be a support to write effectively, never the purpose of the communication. Hey, look, I can use a semi-colon! No. Hey, look, I care about this. It stirs a passion that burns inside me and I am so excited to have this moment in time to experience this and document it so you may have the same and we connect through it. That’s what writing should be about. It’s that passion that will inspire the next generations of writers. How many are lost early on, twinning writing with boredom and that frustration that accompanies the pursuit of ever-elusive perfection?
Minimalism is stripping away what isn’t important, that which adds neither joy nor value. Constant pressure to meet ever-increasing standards from above, combined with fear of losing your position as the government continued to erode the rights of teachers, produced a system of education that added neither joy nor value. Worse, it denied the opportunity to attain them, as every second was crammed with pressure-fuelled hysteria. 
It didn’t stop there. Everything, even Art, became vehicles for Literacy, to demonstrate that they could meet the required standards in a range of contexts. More evidence to fall back upon. Even those unable to participate in Physical Education were given paper to write on about what was happening. They couldn’t just watch on, perhaps engage meaningfully with friends and teachers to become a part of the learning, and, dare I say, enjoy themselves. 
I feel ashamed of my part in this process. I lost sight of what learning is really about, I was selfish. I wanted success and this was the route towards it. If I could go back in time, would I have changed things? I don’t know. Refusal to play the pressure game would have resulted in endless training or my replacement. An act of disobedience wouldn’t in itself be enough, and though other colleagues would voice similar feelings of discontent, would we all risk our careers by refusing to do what wasn’t in the best interests of the children? It seems idealistic in concept. It’s an embedded, systemic issue. I feel that I’m guilty of cowardice here. Tidal waves of change begin as a thought in the mind of just one person.
When I was young, school was a different. We had time. The teachers were relaxed. We would go out, collect bugs, draw pictures of them and write about them. Our writing developed and ideas in our minds were given room to mature – none of this cramming took place. Above all, learning was a happy, safe activity. We were successful, or guided towards so being. By the time I left teaching, two years ago, it had become a ‘you are not allowed to fail’ activity for pupils and teachers. The difference between the two, beyond the obvious happiness/fear contrast is pressure. It’s said that pressure can create a diamond or a lump of coal; is it right for us to decide that children have to become one or the other at all, let alone so early? I am confident that if you asked pupils which they were – diamond or coal – they’d answer fairly in line with their understanding of their attainment. The assessment would be based on perceived intelligence without consideration to other metrics such as altruism, creativity and effort. Effort has given way to attainment, and academic self-esteem has suffered as a result for many – a tragedy, with the potential to turn a lifelong pursuit of learning into an activity that makes us feel bad, one which should be avoided. 
It is my belief that it should be up to learners to decide upon the amount of pressure they wish to subject themselves to, as they grow into adults. Removing a great deal of pressure (created by bureaucrats with their sliding scales, targets and buzzwords) from our educational system would allow minds to develop at a pace their owners can feel happy with. By ongoing exposure to ideas that change the way learners see the world, this development will have the breadth required to be able to participate in a wider range of discussions about things that matter. And most importantly, learning can be a thing of wonder, for all: an exciting, open-ended journey from a place of emotional security and instilled self-worth.